Numb is a curious word. At work it is my greatest ally, but in my personal life it is my nemesis. Numb is defined as: deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move; incapable of action or of feeling emotion; lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent. Sometimes a blessing, and sometimes a curse.
While at work I have seen many things that would cause most people to break. Emergency services are not for the weak stomached or weak minded. I have seen peoples insides on the outside, decapitation, child deaths and deaths of those that were way to young, along with a host of other disturbing images and smells. One of the main reasons I have survived is due to my “switch.” It seems that I was born with, or developed over time, a switch that shuts my emotions off. In essence, making me numb to everything and able to concentrate on my job. Here numbness is my ally and a great friend. It has kept me sane and focused on my job throughout my years in emergency services.
At home is where the numbness turns on me and becomes my greatest foe. I love my wife and kids with every fiber of my existence. Other than my relationship with God, they are the most important things on this earth to me. However, when little bumps in the road start to occur in our personal lives, my switch gets flipped on. This does not cause any major problems in my relationship with my wife, because she knows that it is there and can tell when it has been thrown. Where being numb really becomes a problem is when the little bumps don’t stop for months, and when the bumps keep getting bigger and more frequent. That is when the switch gets stuck on.
When this happens, I almost reach a point of depression. I get very close to shutting down. My motivation disappears. I can’t sleep. I either can’t eat or I eat until I want to throw up and feel miserable. Somehow during these feelings, I continue to function as a husband and father, but I am numb. My joy feels zapped, jokes are not as funny, the world just looks and feels distant and different. When this happens, I thank God for giving me a strong wife to love me and stand by my side with complete understanding.
The only way that I get my switch to turn back off is spending time with my wonderful family and spending time with God. Yes I said God. I pray, listen to praise and worship music, I get deeper into studying my Bible. I try to shut out the entire world except for God, my family and my church family (the things that make me the happiest in the world). I surround myself with life-giving things and I slowly make my way back into the world emotionally.
I guess with all things in life it comes down to this: balance. Finding the balance where my switch is only on at work and is off when I walk out of the firehouse. I haven't struggled with this much lately, but I felt a great desire to put this out there. So, I hope this helps someone see that they are not alone in their struggles and with God and great family support, you can break the cycle and no longer be numb.
Thanks for stopping by and God Bless!!!
