My biggest fear...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

Ok, I have decided to follow the example of my pastor whom I consider a good friend and mentor. I have to face my greatest fears, but in order to do that I have to share them. Honestly, I am scared to death to share these because I don't want to seem shallow or insecure. However, the one thing that is unique about all the staff at DC is we all try to be transparent to everyone around us. So here it goes.

First let me start by saying, I am not doing this as a pity party, to gain friends, or bring more attention to myself. I am only doing this because the message that Pastor Chad spoke this weekend has rocked me to my core, and I don't know what to do about it. All I can think of to do is share my fears so that they are out in the open for all to see, and in some way maybe this will help me face them and grow as a man of God.

My biggest fear is kind of a combination of two fears that feed off each other. Most of all, I am afraid of not fitting in, that leads to a fear of being worthless and vice versa. Let me state right now, I have some amazing friends in my life and I love all of you. However, I have always held back a part of myself and just tried to fit into the mold that I think my friends want. I am always scared that if you knew the real nascar loving, video gaming me, it would make you like me less. So, I don't share enough of myself to grow the bonds of friendship. I am afraid to share me. I don't have any friends that would consider me their best friend because of this fear. It is my own fault and it hurts to no end. Every time I see some of my friends doing things together and I am left outside of the circle, I hurt. I know this is my own fault that I don't have anyone who will just ask me to go do something or hang out. Then when I think about asking someone to hang with me, my fear of not fitting in or being fun enough kicks in and I don't do anything. I am stuck in a vicious circle. Again, I am not asking for pity. I just feel it is time for me to face these fears and become the man I am supposed to be.

Then there is the fear of being worthless. Because I have kept my friends at an arms length, I feel I have to constantly prove my worth by doing things for them. Now, I do love helping my friends and being there for them, but I over do it by committing to too much, just so I can get the interaction and closeness that I am searching for. This also bleeds over into my jobs at church and the fire department. I feel like I have to prove I am worth my paycheck every week, so I over commit to doing things. I end up either not being able to accomplish all the tasks I said I would do, or I don't do them with the best of my abilities and excellence. All the while, my family is at home asking where I am and why I don't have enough time for them.

I guess you can say these two biggest fears of mine roll into one big fear of failure. While they lead to distance from my friends, they also separate me from my family, and I end up failing them.

Please don't take any of what I have said as an attempt to gain anything for myself. God has called me to do some amazing things that honestly I don't know how they will ever happen. I have felt God speak these things to me several times, and Pastor Chad has even confirmed them with me after hearing from God. All I want is to be the husband, father, friend, and overall man of God that I have been called to be. I just know I'm not going to be able to accomplish these things if I can't overcome these fears and insecurities.

So, all I ask is for your prayers. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am a blessed man. I have God, a beautiful family, and some great friends that I need to grow closer to. I apologize to my family and all my friends for who I have been, and I promise that I am going to face these fears and be a better man. I just have to get over my fears and move forward with God as my guide.

Im sorry if this all seems like a jumbled mess, but i just had to write down what was inside me. Thanks for letting me share.